LEARNING HOW TO JUST WATCH

                       

    Nobody has cut his hair in weeks. I think it looks great. Curling at the ends. 

He always had it cut too short before. Anyway, that’s my opinion. I’ve

always had a lot of opinions about my brother David and how he should

live his life. Sometimes, he actually listened. Not now. He’s made up his mind.

He just says he wants to die. He says he’s afraid to live. Not this way! He doesn’t

want a feeding tube. He says that’s no way to live. He says, he doesn’t want the

operation that would insert the tube. He says it’s too risky! My wife Dana and I go to

visit. There are always other visitors. We speak among ourselves. David is listening.

He wants to hear every word being said, He seems most alert. He seems even more

alert now that he has decided on death.

   His partner Dawn sits on his bed and holds his hand, sometimes both hands. She

loves David. She only remembers the good. I’m worried as to what to say.

I don’t want to make small talk ,but big talk is strictly prohibited . I don’t want

to complain about my bout with death losing five pints of blood. I don’t want to tell

of spending six horrible days in a hospital, while doctors peered down on me . They

all seemed to ask the same questions, but it wasn’t until one doctor finally asked

the correct question. What meds is he taking? That was the moment, my life was

saved. That question brought forth the right answer. Robert is taking a pill that

is not only trying to kill him. It will kill him. This is not a proper subject. I will

live and David will not.

     I‘m trying to picture life without my brother David. I can’t. He has always been

there. I have no idea what he feels for me or even what he thinks of me. I’m

also not sure what I feel for him. I’ve always wanted to please him.

I certainly wanted to make his life better in any way I could.

I discovered Dawn twenty- five years ago at one of Dana’s reunions.

Dawn told me she would be getting a divorce in the next few days.

I asked her if she would care to meet my brother. Dawn asked if David

was like me. I lied and said, “Yes.” He’s not! Never was! Nor I him.” David’s

first question, when I told him about Dawn was, “How tall is she?” Although,

Dawn is quite tall, much taller than David. I lied and said, “About our height.”

Neither Dawn or David have forgiven me after twenty-five years. Dawn told

me very quietly this week that David says thank you to me. I count Dawn as my

second best find.

  I wonder if I have any feelings left.  So many have died. There were seven children .

I was always so proud to say I’m the youngest of seven. I still am proud, but after

David goes, it will be just two of us left. I want to go back. I want the sprawling

dinners. I want the fights. I want it all back. I want it all back as I stare at David who

is waiting to die.