T.V. & ME

        When people ask if I watch much T.V., I always reply, ”Rarely.” I’m an fffing liar!

I’m an addict! I have five T.V.’S in my house and if my wife allowed it I’d put them in

the bathrooms. I can’t walk into a room that has a T.V. and not turn it on. Right now

I’m totally hooked on a drama called “Smash,” It’s a show within a show. It’s all

about a cast of characters trying to stage a musical play about Marylyn Monroe.

So far the music is horrible and the dialogue for the play is not much better. But who

cares? Not me. I’m in this for the characters and the back stories and there are many.

One of the writers got caught by her fifteen -year -old son making love to the actor

playing Joe DiMaggio. Can you imagine? How indiscreet could she be? Uma Thurman

has recently been cast to play Marylyn. Except, she can’t sing. I’m watching Uma

and thinking it’s about eighteen years since Uma played Mia married to the black

mobster in “Pulp Fiction.” Uma has moved on, but I haven’t.

     I make it my business to watch “Mad Money” every night. The same edition is on

three times daily. I still record it. The show consists of one person namely Jim

Cramer. Talk about characters! The essence of the show is Jim is a stock tout.

Of course, he is brilliant. People call up usually inquiring about their favorite stock.

No matter how obscure, Jim knows about it and of course, he has an opinion. A

strong opinion. If he doesn’t like the stock he presses a button and something starts

to yell, “Sell!  Sell! Sell!” If Jim likes it, he presses another button that causes

something to yell, “Buy! Buy! Buy! ”Jim wears funny costumes. For instance if he

plans to talk about restaurants, he might wear a chef’s hat, apron, and cooking

gloves. His body language never stops. Jim can say more with his eyes than most

professional actors. Same with a toss of his head. A good part of me wishes he would

go off the air and free me .

     This is not new. I began watching T.V. even before my family bought a T.V. My

neighbor and best friend at the time was Seymour. He had a T.V. back around

nineteen-fifty. Seymour’s parents were never home. They were always at the track.

We watched T.V. endlessly. Our favorite show was Milton Berle. Uncle Milty. Looking

back, Uncle Milty was sort of an unctuous character. Trans dressing and telling

terrible jokes. We didn’t care. We loved him. I even loved the character who did

the Texaco commercial. I still remember how he rolled up his sleeves and told

all of America, who was watching ,why it was crucial, we buy gas from Texaco.

Seymour and I had been known to watch “Test Patterns.”

       My parents finally bought a T.V. They were hesitant. They were afraid it would

interfere with my school work. I assured them not to worry. I don’t think I ever

cracked a school book from the day that T.V. arrived. My mother and I had a routine.

We would go to the Mt Bowdoin library situated near a Brigham’s. My mother would

select at least five books and off to Brigham’s for “take home.”As soon as we were

home, we put the T.V. on in the dining room where it was situated. My mother

would pick one of her books and begin reading. She often knitted at the same

time. My job was to select a show.  It was easy. It just depended what night.

If it was Wednesday it would be “Kraft Theatre,” Thursday it would be “Playhouse

Ninety.”  Whenever a commercial came on my mother would ask,” Is it over?” “No

Mum,” I would say. My second job was to read whatever book my mother had read

for discussion. Such fun. My mother had stopped being concerned about my home-

work.

        Weekends were different. My dad was home. During the week he would come

home about five P.M. and take a nap. We would have supper and he would leave

for the local Hebrew School that was affiliated with the local orthodox Temple.

My mother disliked both places . Ostensibly , my Dad went on Mon evenings to

sustain his role as president of the Free Loan Society.  But somehow we knew,

he kept the meetings very short, since a game of poker was lurking. Tuesday he

would leave for the Hebrew School for his Brotherhood meeting. These meetings

were even shorter, since it was Tuesday and that meant pinochle. Wednesday was

Hebrew School discussion night. My mother and I believed most of the discussions

were held at the gin rummy table as each player moaned about how bad a hand he

was dealt. My mother hated that my dad came home very late from “these places”

My mother didn’t approve of religion and she hated the orthodox customs. My

mother was a ferocious liberal. Just the fact that the men and women sat separately

was enough to keep her self segregated permanently from either of these two

buildings.

       Weekends were special.. Friday night was  “I Remember Mama”, “The Goldbergs”

all preceeded by Eddie Fisher at seven and Perry Como at seven thirty. The three of

us were glued to the T.V. although my mother continued to knit, she usually only

read in bed on weekends. Saturday was the “Show Of Shows” with Sid Caesar, Carl

Reiner, and Imagine Coca. The writers were Neil Simon, Woody Allen and Mel

Brooks to name a few. Most weeks they did the same skits over and over. The “2000

Year - Old- Man.” The Sid Caesar skit where he had a flat tire and he would be

 walking to the service station thinking all the terrible things the owner would say

when Sid would ask to borrow a jack. By the time Sid finally arrived at the station

 he would shout at the staff. “Keep your damn jack!” It didn’t matter how often we

heard  and saw these skits, we loved them. We laughed  as much the twentieth time

as we did the first time.

       The “2000-Year-Old –Man  became a skit outside of “Your Show Of Shows.”Mel

Brooks took it over and began doing “Stand Up’s with Carl Reiner and tapes. They

were funny, but I never found them as funny as Sid Caesar performing them with

Carl Reiner on “Your Show Of Shows.” Sid was the 2000-Year-Old- Man.” Just to

see him come out with raggedy, very worn clothes had us all laughing even before

he said a word. Carl Reiner would portray a very serious interviewer asking mostly

questions as to what it was like back when. My favorite questions were who the

2000-Year-Old- Man hade met.  I remember Carl Reiner asking if Sid had met Jesus.

his hair or nobody would take

him seriously. We tried to explain to him that nobody would listen to somebody

with such long hair. Do you think he listened? Never! He always thought he knew

better. He was what you would call today a wise guy.”

  “Did  you ever run into Attila The Hun?”

Sid speaking with a heavy Yiddish accent would act indignant. “Of course I knew

Jesus! I knew him as a small boy. I watched him grow up. He was always a trouble-

maker, even as a small kid. We were always trying to talk to him. We were always

trying to give him sound advice. We told him to cut

 “I knew him well. He had a tainted reputation. A lot of people didn’t like him. I did.

  He was the kind of a guy, you had to get to know. Once you got to know him, he was

  a regular guy. We called him a man’s man.”

 “How about Moses?”

“Oh Moses sure, he was a case and a half. We hung out together as kids. He was a

  very  good athlete. He won most of the chariot races, but he changed.”

 “How so?”

“Well you might not believe this, but he started to tell us he was speaking to God.

  Pretty regularly he told us.

“What did you guys say when Moses said things like that?’

 “We didn’t say nothing. We just beat him up.”

 “What about women? You must have known a few in your day?”

“Oh ho, ho, believe me, I knew more than a few!”

“Did you ever meet Cleopatra?”

“Meet her? I did more than just meet her!”

“Really what was she like?”

“Hot, very hot!”

 “Any other women?”

 “Ha! Hundreds, but I don’t talk about them. There is such a thing as privacy.”

  “Since we’re on the subject of Cleopatra, what about Julius Caesar?”

   “A hot head of the first order! Didn’t like him! A big bragger!

    “What about Marc Anthony?”

     “A cry baby. Always complaining. Had bad words for this one and that one.

      He claimed Cleo took him for every cent.”

     “ Cleo?”

       “ I was one of the few people, Cleopatra allowed to call her Cleo. She had a fierce

          temper. Believe me you didn’t want to be on her bad side.”

         “ What about Methuselah? Did you ever run into him?”

           “Of course I did. He was always around.”

               “You must have found out why he lived so long.”

               “ I did.  He  claimed he never bent over.”

                “ Bending over? What’s the matter with bending over?”

                 “Methuselah said bending over will kill you, sooner than later.

                   His thinking was if you bend over, all your blood goes to the brain.

                   The brain can’t handle all that blood at one time. So if the brain gives up,

                    and lies down, you die much sooner than later.”

                    Methuselah also loved to say, “Besides if they see you bending over,

                     who knows what they might do to you?”

                     

                     

                   

                     

                  

                   

       Cleopatra allowed to call her Cleo.”

  

       Then there was the Jackie Gleason Show. My dad’s favorite. “And away weeee

go!” Jackie would open with this line every Saturday night. It was music to our

ears. “ The Honey Mooners was my dad’s favorite. “ To the moon Alice”! Jackie would

shout to his wife Alice after she corrected him. My dad would laugh and say to my

mother,”To the moon Rose.” He would imitate Jackie Gleason’s voice and upward

punch. My dad thought that was the funniest thing ever, Every week!  Watching these

various shows with the two of them was usually, unusual. My dad would comment

that one of the comedians or players was clever. My mother always responded by

saying, “They’re actors you damn fool. They say what they are told to say.”  My dad

would inevitably counter with the Jackie Gleason line,”To the moon Rosie!” I would

sit there in silence thinking this is their sex life. Rather hoping it was their sex life.

      Sunday night was my favorite night. “The Comedy Hour” was just that. It

 heralded the best comedians of the time. Martin and Lewis were my favorites.

Like the “Show of Shows” they did the same thing over and over and over.

It didn’t matter. I loved them both. Jerry Lewis would scream in a falsetto, “I

like it, I like it.” To God knows what. Dean would look at Jerry with disdain.

Dean had a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other. Dean was cooler than

cool. Then Dean would croon a love song, looking handsome and debonair. Jerry

would interrupt Dean with noises and obnoxious movements. Dean would lose

his patience and pretend to slug Jerry. I thought it was the funniest thing ,I’d ever

seen. I loved Sunday night. My parents liked it better when Eddie Cantor was on.

       Sunday night also meant Maverick The two Maverick brothers. Two card playing

gamblers. Both were inveterate cowards. Both were as cool as Dean . Well the truth

was Brett was cooler than Bart.  To tell the whole truth much cooler. Didn’t matter

I loved them both. Well at least, I tried to love Bart as much as Brett. It was

impossible. Brett was everything I wanted to be.

       Some time in the early sixties I moved to NYC. This was probably one of the few

times in my life ,that I didn’t have two or three or maybe even four favorite shows.

I was usually busy every night from six to eleven. However, when I returned home

I would watch either the “Late, Late, Show” or Jack Paar. I loved the Jack Paar Show.

He had the best guests ever! They were all wonderful story tellers. Alexander King,

JonathanWinters,  Zsa Zsa Gabor, Hermione Gingold .  The guest list never ended.

Unless, there was an extraordinary movie, I stayed with Jack. But because, the “Late,

Late Show had so many commercials and so many towards the end, I could usually

catch most movie endings. One evening, I was visiting at my brother’s house in

N.J.and as usual he threw me out for whatever reason. I knew that  the movie

“Lolita”with James Mason would be on the “Late, Late, Show.” I also knew I

couldn’t make it back to Manhattan in time. I waited outside in my car for his

family to fall asleep and snuck back in to watch “Lolita”. I was rewarded with one

of the wittiest movies I ever saw.

            

                       To be continued.