FACE IT

          I’ve never understood it, I still don’t.  What is there about the way I look that has caused others to react so unexpectedly? When I look in the mirror I don’t see anything-unusual one way or another. Yet there has to be something, something about me that sometimes provokes hostility and often quite the opposite.

          There must be something about my face that causes people to tell me how much money they have or that they are making. Some years ago Dana and I were going to a movie it was raining quite hard. I decided to let Dana off at the theatre and I parked the car in a nearby lot. As I scurried to reach the theatre I heard footsteps behind me, I looked back and there was Hal Herman. I had not seen Hal in years, nor did I recall any great love between us. Seeing me, Hal hurried to catch me and walk along side of me. As soon as he caught up to me, without a hello or “How are you doing,” he began telling me about a “deal” he had just pulled off. He finished this story by saying “Not bad, huh.” He then proceeded to elbow me in the ribs, before we completed our short walk to the theatre, I was told about three more “not bad deals” and elbowed three more times.

             This seemed to be the beginning of many similar and shocking incidents. Maybe it was movie theatres that brought this out, probably not, it had to be my face. Dana and I were going to the local theatre to see a movie that was being acclaimed by the critics, when we arrived, the movie we had wanted to see was no longer there; instead it had been replaced by some movie about Attila the Hun called the “Mongol.” I said let’s forget it and go home. Dana wanted to see it. We went. I hated it. Dana liked it a lot. Dana had to use the ladies room before leaving; I waited at a table outside in the lobby. An attractive woman about Dana’s age was pacing outside the men’s room waiting for her guy.

          She turned to me and said, “I overheard you say to your wife, you hated the movie.”

           “Yes, I did.” 

           “Well I agree with your wife, I liked it.”

            Her husband came out of the men’s room and suggested we have a glass of wine at Bertucci’s. After a brief conversation about the movie and that they came down from Andover a lot, because they liked the Lexington Theatre. . The man whose name I still didn’t know, proceeded to tell me what he did for a living and how much money he had socked away.

            I was in line waiting to board a plane at Tokyo’s Narita airport when the poorly dressed man in front of me turned around to me and said “Don’t let these clothes fool you, I was given a tip on a stock a few years ago and made a fortune. A fuckin fortune. I told him I was very happy to hear that, and since we would be on the same plane I wished him a very safe flight.

             

             At the tennis and swim club I belong to a person whose name I still don’t know, was placing his clothes in the next locker. He closed his locker door, looked over at me, and told me he had been a pharmacist before he retired. He then went on to say that he bought a piece of land near his pharmacy for $35,000 and recently sold it for $8 million.  I was thinking, that’s a lot more information than I needed on what otherwise had been a perfectly nice day.

           I simply quoted Hal and said “Not bad huh.”I did not elbow him in the ribs, but I did check my face in the mirror, before I packed my racquet.

                There have been quite a few more bizarre encounters where strangers have had the compelling need to discuss their holdings with me, but that is far from all my face has provoked.

               I was in N.Y.C. parking garage waiting along side an elderly woman, when she turned to look at me and with a heavy Jewish accent said “I saw you on the T.V. last night. You were vonderful.  You were so funny I couldn’t stop laughing.”

                 “Do you remember my name?” I asked.

                 “No, she said, but you were vonderful.”

                   I was gathering my bags at a carousal at LAX. A man and his son came over to me. The father said that he wanted my autograph for his son.

                 “What name should I put down?” I asked.

                  “What are you a wise guy?  Shove it, he shouted, I saw your last movie you sucked !” and hurried away.

                     I thought, perhaps he saw “The Mongol,” and thought I had played Attila.

                   I was in L.A. on business and decided to join a friend at a local bar for a drink. Just as the bartender was about to ask me what I wanted, the stranger next to me asked me if I were Jewish.

                   “No, I said, I’m actually Japanese, I had my nose redone to appear Jewish. I heard Jews are very good businessmen.”

                     I was in a bar in N.Y. C I was enjoying being by myself drinking my Pinot Noir wine very slow. Someone, I had never seen before left his bar seat, which had been at the very far end of the bar came over to me and said,“do you know how much money the U.S. gives to Israel every year?” I was at a loss. I wasn’t even sure how much my glass of wine cost. I stared back at him and said ask the bartender they know everything.

                     Having a drink at the Playboy Club in Chicago, two ex jock types came in ordered drinks and began to exchange high fives. To my astonishment they did a classic head butt. They caught my look and one said to the other, “he’s a Jew and Jews don’t do head butts. This time I had no choice; I had to blame my face.

                      Waiting for a friend at an uptown bar in N.Y.C., a young woman sat down next to me. She said, “Do you know, you have the most lascivious face I have ever seen?” “No, I said I didn’t know that.”  She seemed upset that I didn’t know that and walked away in a huff. “Lascivious!!” What next? I knew, I would soon find out.

                      I sat next to an elderly woman on a flight from Hong Kong to Chicago. We exchanged very few words, even though the flight was fourteen and half -hours long, both of us had been engrossed in our books. Just as we were unfastening our seat belts to deplane, she looked at me and said, “You must have had a very bad childhood.”

                      Mirror, mirror on the wall