FOREVER AND EVER

FOREVER AND EVER

 I met her at  a Dairy Queen. The truth is it wasn’t really a Dairy Queen. It was a Dairy King, or maybe it was a Dairy Witch. Who cares? She was sitting at one of those outdoor tables. She was wearing navy shorts and a brIght orange tank top.Her hair was jet black and her skin was that perfect alabaster white. Anybody who knows anything about skin knows that is the perfect skin and then there is all the rest. She looked up and smiled. She nodded hello and went back to her three scoops of dairy whip surrounded by banana slices,topped with strawberries and oodles of whipped cream. I knew instantly she was in love with me. Hadn’t she looked up from her banana split? It was obvious that she was enjoying her dish to the utmost. One only had to look at her face to sense her pleasure.Yet she looked up at me. She was mine. I only had to say the right words. I know if this were a bar, I would most likely say, ”do you come here often?” That would be a terrible start in a dairy bar. It might imply that she was overweight. No,no, best to come right out with it. 

“I’ve been married twice. I would like you to be my third and forever and ever wife,” I said. 

She looked up from her banana split and said, “I’m concerned that I’d have to compete against your first two wives.”

“Oh”, I said, “I hadn’t thought of that. But not to worry,if there were any sort of competition, I know you’d win easily.”

“How can you possibly know that?” she asked.

“Easy, I’m the kind of guy who can take one look and just know things. I don’t need to know anymore about you than the way you were eating your banana split. In fact, I don’t want to know any more about you.”

“First of all, it’s not a banana split. Here it’s called, Bananas On Ice.  Second, there are important questions to ask.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Like my name,” she said. “It’s important in a wedding ceremony to know each other’s names. You should also want to know if I’m married. Anyway, it’s your lucky day. I just heard that my husband fell off a roof, he was working on and was killed instantly.”

“Very sorry,” I said. I was biting my lip trying to suppress a smile.

“Don’t be sorry,you didn’t know him.”

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Thanks, I’m drowning my sorrows in this “Bananas on Ice.”

“How long were you married?” I asked.

“Who knows?” she said. “Maybe a year,maybe four years. I didn’t count.”

“Any kids?” I asked.

“No thank you, we hardly ever had sex. He was always watching something stupid on TV, by the time he came to bed, I was asleep. Anyway you said you didn’t want to know anything about me and now here you go asking all these questions. How about you? What happened to your two wives? Did they fall off a roof?”

“The first marriage only lasted three months.I woke up one day and she said the marriage had lasted way too long. She said, she needed more space.”

“What did you say?” she asked as she licked her spoon.

“No problemo, I said, when you come home from work, we’ll talk about it. She was a night watchman.She would probably be home before I left for work. I figured that she wanted a bigger apartment.  Evidently, she left work early and left a note while I was sleeping. It said,you were right,it’s not a problem. I’m outta here. Please don’t try to reach me!”

“What about your second marriage?” she asked, still licking her spoon. “Did she need more space too?”

“My second marriage lasted thirteen years,three months, and a week.”

“That’s a long time thirteen years. That’s a long time to do anything,” she said.

“She ran off with the local cobbler. I shouldn’t say ran off. They live over on the next street from me. I guess, I could say, he nailed her. I should have been more suspicious when she kept getting the same shoes resoled. Perhaps, I should have listened more closely when she spoke about the cobbler. She would quite often remark , what a cute accent he had. She thought his joke about redoing the soles al dente was hysterically funny. Needless to say, I didn’t.”

“How long ago did she leave?” she asked.

“I dunno know,maybe a week ago, anyway,enough small talk. How’s this weekend sound?”

“For what”? she asked. 

“For getting married. You know, I swore, I’d never marry again, but I hadn’t seen you yet.”

“You sure know how to romance a girl. What did you same your name is?”

“I didn’t. It’s Donald. Donald Gillis. Lets meet at the town hall Saturday at twelve noon. You can give me your name there. Otherwise, i might forget it.”

“I’ll be there” she said. “Don’t forget your birth certificate. Remember it’s for ever and ever.”