WHY MEN DON'T LIKE YOGA

My sociology professor at the extension school asked us to write a paper to describe the emotional

differences between men and women.  I decided to go to a local sports bar that I was familiar with,

that generally catered to mostly guy guys.  I took a stool at the bar and tuned in.  The more they spoke

about sports the deeper their voices became.  Football comments were getting the deepest tones, but

basketball, soccer, boxing, even tennis were seriously discussed.  Some of the time, these guys, could

 be mentioning the batting average of the last ball player at the plate on the game that was being televised.

 There were T.V. screens everywhere that I loo T.V. screens.  There were quite a few high fives, whenever

one of the home team players drove in a run. 

Then it happened.  One of the guys said that he heard Yoga was a good healthy activity. He also mentioned

 that it could be quite strenuous.  Suddenly, there was silence.  Not a sound in what had been a raucous

room Yoga, for whatever the reason, just did not resonate with these guys.

  Mostly these guys were eating burgers and fries with lots of ketchup. It occurred to me that

  if one of these guys mentioned they had just tried some tofu with brown rice ,there would be some

  they had just tried some tofu that came with brown rice, there would  be some

  interesting looks.

  

Not too many weeks after my bar adventure, my wife Dana and I were driving to Cambridge, when

Dana said, “I have a question for you.”

“ Oh, oh!” I thought.  “I’m caught here in my car, no place to hide and I know a trap question is

 coming.”

“How long would you say that I’ve been teaching yoga? ” asked Dana.

Even more oh, ohs,  I thought. No way can I answer this one correctly.

If I said too few years, it meant I didn’t appreciate and value her work.  If I said

too many years, it meant I didn’t appreciate and value her work.  I took a shot.

“Seventeenteen years?” I ventured.

“Try twenty two” Dana said. “And how many times have you come to one of my

  classes?”

 “Not many,” I said.

 “How about none,” Dana said.

 “Not many is close to none,” I said.

 “How many times have I come to one of your performances?” Dana asked.

 “A lot,” I said.

 “When are you planning to come to one of my classes?”  asked Dana.

  “Soon,” I said.

  “Soon?” Dana said.

 Dana teaches classes in many different places. She teaches three classes

at the Boston Sports Club,  subs classes at the local “Y”, one class at Health Point, and

another in Waltham. She also teaches at our Temple once a month and it would be this

coming Friday. I thought this would work for me. Since I was probably going to make a

fool of myself, the Temple class usually had the fewest people. That Friday I attended

my very first Yoga class.

I entered the room which was quite dark. I immediately saw five women sitting in

silence, not moving, their knees pulled forward,  held there by their hands. I tried to

think,  When did I ever see men sit this still? Perhaps, when they were watching a porno

movie.

Dana is speaking in a very soft melodious voice and she is saying, “We will be going on

a journey.”

Now when men go on a journey, they go somewhere.  Soft strange music is playing in

the back ground and these women continue to sit. They are not moving.

 Dana then says, “We will take a path.” I’m thinking most guys like myself, think

 of a path as something to walk on. These women don’t. They think of a path as a way

 of life. Dana then began to speak about sharing, when men talk about sharing, they

 are usually talking about something substantial like food or drinks. These women are

talking about sharing the spirituality of the moment.

Dana then tells her students to caress their legs very gently, now when men hear the word

caress they usually aren’t thinking of caressing their own legs. Dana continued, telling

her students to stretch their hands down to their toes and stretch each toe. When men put

their fingers to their toes, they usually are checking to see if the toes smell.

As I look around the room trying my best to fit in, I’m aware that there are candles

everywhere. Generally speaking, men don’t like candles. They do love fires. They

will go anywhere there might be a fire. They will follow fire trucks for miles to

see a house on fire. They love campfires.  They especially love barbeque pits. The

bigger the better. They just don’t like candles.  They don’t like their aroma and they

definitely don’t like wax.

The women are now back in their original position.  Dana is talking about how nicely

the women have aligned their hips . I’m sitting there trying to find my hips.  Suddenly

the room is full of a strange sound….“ommmmm,” “ommmmmm”. I have no idea what

it’s about, but I’m terrified.  Is this some secret code word women have and they plan to

“ommmmmm”me?

That evening when we got home Dana asked what I thought of the class.

I responded with the only answer I could muster…”ommmmmmmmmmm”