ROBOTS KNOW WAY TOO MUCH: PUBLISHED IN TWO NEWSPAPERS

Robots Know Way Too Much

Robert Isenberg

JUNE 10 2015

639 Words

 I just tried to call the Apple store for an appointment with the genius bar.

A robot answered.

“May I please speak to a representative,” I asked.

“I can handle all your issues. Now, how may I help?” asked the robot.

“I’m having a problem with my screen moving without my permission.” I noted.

“Okay, said the robot, “No problem. I have your phone number at 781 862 1454. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“And your name is Robert Isenberg. Right?  Now all I need is the serial number. It’s on the back of your Mac Book. You probably will need glasses to read it. I’ve spoken to you before. I know your computer is quite old. More than likely the numbers will be smudged and difficult to read.”

 “Representative!” I screamed.

 “No need to holler at me,” said the robot, “We can get through this together in a civil manner if you just behave.”

 “Please let me speak to a representative,” I begged.

  “If you ask to speak to a representative once more,” declared the robot, “I will have to hang up on you. I get a lot of calls, most of them quite polite. It seems to me, I’ve heard from you before. True?”

          I didn’t reply. I slammed the phone down. Maybe if I wait a few hours, I’ll call Apple back. Perhaps I’ll get a different robot.

Every doctor’s or dentist’s and even haircut appointments I make are monitored by some fastidious robot. They usually call two days before the appointment. My concern is that soon a robot will not only call to confirm the appointment, but will say, “Please listen closely, since our menu has changed Dr Schaeffer has been replaced by Dr. Alfred Robot, who will be performing the operation.” You need to come in thirty minutes early. I strongly suggest that you be prompt for Dr. Alfred!”

I wondered for my next haircut, if a robot would be waiting with a long pair of scissors?

Recently I placed a call for a special egg cooker. The info- commercial promised to cook eggs in every desirable manner.  It also came with a very simple looking vegetable slicer. I wondered if I would get the same robot that has sold me so many items in the past. We had always hit it off.

          I called. She sounded excited to hear from me again and so soon. She couldn’t wait to repeat my name and address and of course my phone number. Talk about one-sided relationships. I still had no idea what her name was.  As soon as I made my purchase she told me I was going to receive two egg makers and two veggie cutters.

She went on, “Since you are not off the street and a good customer, we have some  special offers for you. We can increase your order to four egg makers and four veggie cutters for the very special price of only twenty nine dollars and free shipping.”

I declined.

She didn’t stop, “We can offer you some bacon bowls that will fit right into your micro wave oven to make the perfect bacon  and egg breakfast for only $7.95.”

I don’t eat bacon, but maybe one day we may have some guests that do and it’s only $7.95.

 “Okay” I said.

  “Okay is not a good answer,” said the robot. “Please say yes or no politely.

 “Yes,” I said as politely as I could muster.

  She wasn’t done, “I sense that you are holding the phone in an awkward position. We have the perfect solution. We have a phone holder that allows you to go hands free anywhere in your house for only another $7.95. I paused to look at my phone. In order to keep the relationship growing, I whispered into my phone.

“Yes, yes, yes.”