A COLLECTION OF NOTHING
ROBERT ISENBERG
Do you know what I mean? You know those tomatoes that have been sliced perfectly small. I’ve only seen them at
Mexican Restaurants and of course sub shops. They had this flashy ad onT.V. for what they called a ONE MINUTE
SLICER. It’s true, it takes only seconds to slice the tomatoes to look just like the Mexican Restaurants tomatoes. What
they don’t tell you is how long it takes to clean the ONE MINUTE SLICER. Yesterday I asked Dana where the slicer is.
Dana replied, “It’s in the basement with your collection that you bought from those ads. Besides when did you use it
last?”
“Awhile ago.” I offered. ”But you didn’t have to send it to the basement, as if its done something bad. I like seeing
the things I bought where I can see them, just in case.”
“Just in case what”? asked Dana. “If you want to see them, they are ALL lined up downstairs in the basement where I put
them. Go take a peek. There’s the pressure cooker that promised to cook a four pound roast in twenty five minutes.
Remember it took us over two hours putting it together and then reading the directions took another hour.Then there
all the hoses that wrap themselves up that we haven’t returned yet. You still haven’t found the return address. Anyway at
least I got a giggle out of your expression when you turned them on for the first time and they immediately sprung a leak.
You were soaked. You screamed, ‘This is the last time I’ll call one of those ads up!’ How many more have you called
since? I won’t ask.”
Dana was correct. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t resist those commercials. I used to be safe. Years ago those
gimmicky ads would only show up on the Late Late Movie that came on at about 11:30 PM. Oh they were very
clever. For the first hour they would be almost commercial free and then the last hour there would be an ad every seven
minutes. They would be ads for all sorts of kitchen equipment. The advertisers would demonstrate how beautifully they
worked and why one couldn’t go another five minutes without owning one. And yes, I would find myself staggering to the
phone at one-thirty in the morning speaking to a robot and fumbling for my credit card. The best thing about those Late
Late Movies is I rarely stayed up to watch them. But now the problem is these ads are being shown over and over again
on the early evening shows that I watch.
Another reason that I find these products irresistible is invariably they always offer two for the price of one. This way I can
always send one to one of my daughters or a friend that perhaps is yearning for a pressure cooker or a one minute
slicer. The cooking utensil ads are by far the hardest to resist. Usually they are produced and performed by a famous
chef that has just invented the newest “must have” cooking tool. These ads generally show the chef cooking something
delectable. The chef will be going on that the new product will not only cook whatever quickly, it will cook it healthier than
any other product has since the beginning of time. If that didn’t make you rush to the phone, there would always be at
least two tasters, literally licking their chops after they were offered a bite.
Dana probably doesn’t know about the two products that promise to repair anything that’s broken. I purchased them
from two different companies. One is called Flex Shot, the other is called Flex Soak. Flex Shot only comes in one color.
Flex Soak comes in a multitude of colors. This way you can match anything’s color. Dana cannot possibly know that
I will call the 800 number for Wipe New Dutch Glow that swears it will remove all scratches on anything regardless of
how deep. I believe it, cause I saw them do it on T.V. I’ll not tell her about the Simonize product that will make my car look,
“Like it just came out of the show room.” Why would I mention the all purpose razor that promises to last at least one
year? Why would I give her an excuse to line them up with the rest of my collection of nothing in the basement?
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