TABLOIDS ARE EVERYWHERE

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

ROBERT ISENBERG

  C’mon I can’t be the only one, they are everywhere. In supermarkets in drug stores. service stations, convenience stores, everywhere.

Somebody must be buying them.

  They couldn’t print them all and every week.

They don’t publish them for dead beats like myself. What I do is almost as disgraceful as these tabloids. I look for long lines in the supermarkets.

I particularly love it when somebody has a way overloaded cart in front of me. It gets even better if the person is fumbling. This gives me a chance to nonchalantly pull one of these newspapers off the shelf. I can now start to thumb through. Who was the genius that said, ”Inquiring minds want to know?”

  I can’t be the only one who caught a glimpse of Hillary’s photo with the headline, “HILLARY CLINTON’S TWO SECRET STROKES.” Not a secret anymore. Am I the only one asking could this be true?  Look at the photo of her!  The problem now is to find the article. Unlike many magazines the article’s page is not listed anywhere. They know. They know that there are scum readers like me who want desperately to read these articles, but don’t wish to buy the paper. It’s not the money. It’s the embarrassment. It’s bad enough that some stranger or check out person would see me, a grown man, buying these magazines. But can you imagine if a neighbor should spot me with the paper?  This could depreciate an entire neighborhood.

  Somehow it’s different when another person in line sees you pull one down.

They usually smile. You know that smile. It says, “Go ahead. I understand. I really want to know if Hillary had two secret strokes too. If it’s a woman, that knowing smile is most likely saying, “ It’s him again!  Who wouldn’t have a stroke living with him? Look at that photo. She use to be attractive. Now look at her. That poor woman!”

 I have the paper in my hand. I know I’m short of time. I check the line. Still three persons in front of me. Whew! I hope the cash register has one of those breakdowns.

Even better one of these people in line can’t find their credit card.

  I start perusing for the article. On my way. Darn!  “T.V. SHARKS FEUD EXPLODES.” I have to know. No I really don’t!

  Why waste valuable time?

  I can sense the guy behind me is annoyed. He’s pretending that he’s not looking over my shoulder. I’m surprised he hasn’t pulled the paper out of my hands.

  As I continue to turn the pages in hot pursuit of the Hillary article, I note that Queen Elizabeth was determined not to die before the birth of her grandson William and his wife Kate’s new baby. This paper is hoping the child will be born with three heads.

  I look up to check the line. I can feel the guy behind me breathing heavier. Too bad! He’ll just have to wait till I find the article.

 Finally I find the Hillary article. There are more Hillary photos. they are not flattering. The article quotes Bill as saying, “Quit now!”  Now I can believe a lot of things. In fact, I can believe a lot of things in this paper. But Bill giving up the opportunity of being First Man in the White House? Sorry, I cannot buy that. Never mind being First Man. Just imagine how busy the presidency will keep Hillary. “I’ll have to be off on my own a lot. Wouldn’t that be a shame,” old Bill would think. Anyway, the article explains the secret strokes.

  “Why?” I think to myself, “Do I waste my time reading the N.Y. Times? Even worse the Wall Street Journal?”  There is really no comparison, if you wish t to stay awake.