STILL PERPLEXED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS: PUBLISHED IN A GROUP OF NEWSPAPERS

PERPLEXED

ROBERT ISENBERG

                                           

            Perplexed is one of those words.  You hear it and you know what it means. It’s certainly not a word one wants their cardiologist to use about

them.

         I almost never use the word. However, perplexed does define my thinking about the opposite sex. I’ve been married for more than forty years. I have two daughters and a seven-year-old granddaughter. I have two wives. Esther is my actual wife. Dana, my imaginary wife, who appears in some of my stories is solely responsible for everything she says or might say.

     Given the fact that I’m actually surrounded by women, one would think I’d be less perplexed by them. Not a chance!

    I spent my youth trying to grow up in Dorchester, Mass. I went to an all boy’s school. Saying the last thing on my mind was girls would be a colossal lie. However, it didn’t matter, since I was probably the last thing on their minds. At least, as far as I knew.

   My life should have been centered around school and acquiring knowledge. It wasn’t.  All that mattered to me were the seasonal sports my friends and I played.

   On fall weekends we played tackle football down at Franklin Field. We considered it safer to get tackled onto the hard ground than to try to speak to a girl.

  In the spring it was “stick ball.” We played in between the houses. We broke a few windows, but not many hearts.

  After high school graduation, I became a counselor at an all boys’ camp  Early on, I went into town to buy ice cream and soda. It was there, I met a girl who was a counselor at an all girls’ camp.  We both had the same nights off . We decided we would canoe to an island between the two camps. We never figured out what the mosquitoes ate when we didn’t meet. She was officially my first girl friend. Best of all we would be starting at the same college. There would be no mosquitoes and there would be daylight. 

  I read somewhere that a woman makes up her mind in seconds as to the future of the relationship and prays that you don’t say something stupid. I don’t remember what I said, but it must have been pretty stupid. I never saw her again.

  The following summer I went to a co-ed camp. The owner’s niece and myself enjoyed a glorious summer together and so did the mosquitoes. Summer ended. I called her house. Her father answered. This time, I must have said something very stupid. She never called back!

  Years later, I moved to New York City. A new acquaintance invited me to her party where I met a girl who was visiting from the University of Michigan. She was planning to stay for two weeks. She said ,“I can’t wait to see your apartment.” She spent the rest of the summer there. There is no better place to have fun than NYC especially when you haven’t any money.  I had no money, and there were no mosquitoes. This was N.Y.C. the mosquitoes wouldn't dare, but oh my did we have fun!

  Fall came and she went back to school. She begged me not to go out with any other woman EVER. She also asked me to wear long sleeve shirts, since she thought my arms were very attractive.

  For a while we had many very warm phone conversations and then we didn’t. Unlike either of my previous girlfriends, she went into great detail as to all the stupid things I had said.  Our romance ended abruptly. I quickly bought two short sleeve shirts.

   As I mentioned before I have two daughters  a seven-year-old granddaughter, and two wives. Esther and Dana. I try very hard not to say anything too stupid.

 However, I’m still very perplexed ! I’m praying my cardiologist isn’t.