JUDGE THIS BOOK BY ITS COVER

Here is the link to my book on Amazon:

"Why Men are Suspicious of Yoga"

Please check out the existing reviews and more reviews would be greatly appreciated.

ADS THAT DON’T ADD UP ~ PUBLISHED IN A GROUP OF NEWSPAPERS

ADS THAT DON’T ADD UP

MY PILLOW: “It’s guaranteed to be the most comfortable pillow you’ll ever own.” That’s an interesting guarantee. Is it guaranteed to be more comfortable than the pillow I’m presumably sleeping on now, or more comfortable than any one of those I haven’t even purchased yet? This character is in my face screaming about his pillow every time I turn on my TV. There is even a sixty-day guarantee. What could go wrong with a pillow? I never heard of a pillow breaking.  Also, an offer of a five-year warranty is listed in their ads. A five -year warranty for a pillow! Warranty for what? At the end of five-years can you imagine calling up this pillow company and demanding a rebate?

Have you seen the ad for an asthma medication that shows a big brown bear following an asthmatic couple everywhere they go? Even though the bear is quite large they don’t seem to notice it. The worst part of this situation is the bear ends up at the foot of their bed when they go off to sleep at night.  Since this couple barely notices the bear during the day, they never consider feeding it. It’s certainly likely that the bear could wake up very hungry in the middle of the night. Most bears don’t know how to cook. I also presume bears know very little about kitchen appliances like refrigerators. Usually they grab what ever is closest to them and begin gorging. They probably don’t even require napkins. I’m sure somewhere there is a connection between this very large bear and asthma. I happen to have asthma. However, I surely will continue to use my inhaler in preference to having a bear sleep at the foot of my bed. It is noticeable that this medication does not list any side effects. I would believe that this bear is one serious side effect.

Another ad that puzzles me is a particular shirt ad. This cool-looking guy is advertising a shirt that he has patented. It’s worn outside your pants, rather than being tucked in. He says he has an ‘exclusive’ patent on this shirt. He certainly has a very ‘exclusive’ price on the shirt. I can’t imagine how this got by the patent committee. Who hasn’t untucked their shirt?  I can just hear the dialogue at the patent board.  “Hey Frank, look at this shirt! Did you ever see anything like this? It can be worn outside your pants! Wow, what a great idea!!”

Then there is this Subaru ad. It portrays a shaggy looking grandfather and his grandson heading towards the ocean. The grandson asks his grandpa, “Did you tell grandma that we were going fishing?”

The grandfather responds incoherently. I’m not sure of his reply.

The scene then flashes to both of them. They are shown picking up their surfboards and gliding into the water. What does this have to do with buying a Subaru? Nothing! But it caught my attention enough to gag when the ad informs me Love is a Subaru.

I have to confess, I bought the pillow! I didn’t feel any difference. I’m demanding a rebate! I’ll put the bear in my Subaru. I’ll drive to the pillow’s office. The bear doesn’t wear pants so he can’t untuck his shirt. Still I’ll bet, with the bear at my side, I’ll get my refund!

WHAT DO MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANT? ~ PUBLISHED IN A GROUP OF NEWSPAPERS

WHAT DO MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANT?

A cartoon shows a husband saying to his wife, “Can you think of a better way to celebrate our anniversary than watching the World Series?” Interesting question for a man to ask his wife, though it’s doubtful she thought it interesting.

There are differences between the way men and women look at things. Some show up in our likes and dislikes.

I don’t believe I’ve seen too many women sitting alone at a Dunkin Donuts. Starbucks, yes. On the other hand I can’t remember seeing many men eating by themselves at Panera’s

I’m always surprised when I hear about new trends that get me thinking as to what men and women really want. I had always presumed the point of marriage or being with someone meant just that.  Being with someone.  Anyway according to what I’m now reading. I was wrong.

Married women are putting up sheds in their back yards. She Sheds. More like mini homes. Why?

Home Depot and Lowes are on top of it. Their ads cry out, “How to get away from it all in your own backyard!”

And who is the all?

These sheds are not cheap and they are getting furnished with girlie stuff. It’s very clear that most guys will not feel comfortable in these sheds. If in fact they were welcome, which they are not.

There is currently much copy coming out on She Sheds. There are magazine articles and even books on how to furnish them. Ideas such as returning to what you enjoyed doing as a child are plentiful. If you could see into these sheds you are apt to see women jumping rope or just sitting with multiple crayons and coloring books. What you won’t see is dishwashers, mops and scrub brushes.

You will see chocolate, a mountain of chocolate. And what goes better with chocolate in a She Shed than a mountain of books? Pillows will be scattered everywhere. Candles will be glowing.

Just the word shed says a lot.

Men on the other hand have caves. They are called man caves. The definition of cave is usually a large underground chamber. These caves are not likely to be underground. They are likely to have a pool table, a dart board a huge television screen and a bar with stools. Caves frequently have a dank aroma.

If the guys decide, like the women did, to bring back some of their youth, a password will be needed to enter these chambers. It won’t be open sesame. One Man Cave used the following password: Ndu$$$$$46Letmein. Attached was a warning: if forgotten, there will be no new password issued! You will not gain entrance to this Cave! FORGET YOUR PASSWORD, FORGET ABOUT US!

Small refrigerators harboring beer, cheese, and salami is a prerequisite. There will not be any chocolate, or candles, maybe one pillow. After visiting a few of these caves, I noted golf putting greens in at least two of them. One of them had a voice shouting compliments. Whenever the golf ball kerpluncked into the cup, I overheard, “That was a hole in one! You are truly one of the great putters!”

Is this what men and women really want?

STICKS AND STONES: PUBLISHED IN A GROUP OF NEWSPAPERS.

STICKS AND STONES

Perhaps  we “elitists” have been wrong and the “deplorables” are right. Just perhaps, he is on to something. He demolished fifteen other candidates with his name –calling. I hadn’t thought of Jeb as having “low energy” until thankfully Trump pointed it out. I was unaware of Rubio’s height until the now President started calling Rubio “Little Marco.” Then there was “Lying Ted.”  One by one they fell and not only did they fall; they actually seemed to take on the character that Trump had stung them with. Jeb could barely respond to the barbs being hurled at him due to his low energy. Rubio seemed to shrink even more in stature. And Ted, we always knew he was a liar, we were just too sissy -liberal to say it.

Trump wasn’t quite as creative with Hillary. He called her “Lying Hillary,” but with all due respect to Ted Cruz, he asked Ted’s permission, before he did it.
My question was how did the president learn to be so effective at name-calling.
I found out that he studied at over fifty-five playgrounds frequented mostly by
eight-year-olds . Once again the eight-year-olds were not chosen wily -nily. First
President and his teams studied a group of politicians and after a great deal of time an observation; they decided the pols were most likely to be effected by the slurs slung by eight-year-olds. He also noticed the meaner the slur the more tears that were shed. That was very important.

Wowee! And one more Wowee! It turns out that President’s Trump’s number one adversary is NONE OTHER than North Korea’s Kim Jong.  Kim also prides himself on dishing out verbal abuse. It should be noted that not only are our military experts  studying North Korea’s nuclear arsenal, but we are also studying Kim’s over the top insults.

 Both “leaders” have found their match. Kim Jong called President George W. Bush a “cowboy buffoon.” He has also targeted his insults at world leaders around the world. Not to be outdone President Trump has insulted most of our allies.

It seems that these two great verbal swordsmen of our times are going face-to-face with insults. Kim Jong called Trump an “old lunatic!” Trump promptly retaliated
with one of his wittiest retorts to date calling Kim “short and fat.”

Now I would have suggested that both could have done better, but it happens once again that I’m wrong! Kim was so hurt by being called “fat and short” that he has spent hour upon hour in front of a huge especially made mirror posing and stretching.

He has even sought out the very best psychiatrist in North Korea, who has assured him of the many wonderful features of being short. He told Kim,” You don’t have to bend as much as tall folks.” As far as being fat, the psychiatrist explained that in North Korea that is not known for good food, Kim has proven otherwise by his girth, which should definitely help his country as far as tourism. The psychiatrist closes their meetings by mentioning just how handsome Kim Jong looks in his uniform.

 President Trump has dealt with the “old” issue by putting on his favorite tank top and flexing his muscles one hundred times in front of Melania every evening before they go to sleep. The president also throws some jabs and mutters, “Kimsie, I’m going to make your nose even flatter!”

With some very good luck these two characters will continue to insult each other with similar witticisms and leave it at that!





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SUMMERS OVER: PUBLISHED IN A GROUP OF NEWSPAPERS

                                         SUMMER IS OVER, BUT NOT MY QUESTIONS

                                                                       ROBERT ISENBERG

                                                                          

                                                                        

  I thought briefly about naming this piece “Gnats to the Gnats.” I reconsidered

because I have many questions about summer and they don’t stop with gnats.  My

 question regarding gnats is what do gnats really want? In my case they mostly live

at the top of my front walk. They wait patiently there for me to come and pick up the

newspapers. One or two will light upon me as I walk to the front. I can almost hear

 them saying, “He’s old and can’t move quickly, let’s swarm him!! Let’s get to his ears

 and eyes.” They don’t bite or sting. They just circle around me like an evil cloud.

So what’s up with them?  Perhaps we misjudge them and all they want is to be

friends. They just are not exactly sure how to go about it.

   I googled gnats. There were countless articles on how to get rid of them.

One suggested a pan consisting of vinegar and soap. No doubt the

gnats would assume it was salad dressing and get stuck on the soap. There were

only a few lines describing them as small non biting harmless insects. Now how

 would we feel if we were googled and it said we were basically harmless and for the

most part didn’t bite, but that we needed to be exterminated. We have all winter to

think it over. Maybe gnats need a second chance.

    My next question is who taught seagulls to read. When googling seagulls one will

find, “Nine Fascinating Facts You may Not Know About Seagulls.” They are right. I

did not know any of them. However what was not mentioned is that seagulls were

somehow taught to read and in English yet.

  I’ve got proof. I have mentioned going to Ogunquit every summer. And every

summer I hear horrific tales of aggressive seagulls stealing lunches. I hear how

they opened metal lunch boxes with their beaks. Tore apart lobster shells without

nut crackers.  But how does one explain that the restaurant on the beach that serves

very delicious everything, has never seen a seagull even approach their wide open

windows. There is a sign at the top of the restaurant next to the clock.

                                              “TOPS REQUIRED!’

                                               “NO BARE FEET!”

                                           “ NO WET BATHING SUITS!”

                                                   “NO DOGS!”

                                                “NO SEAGULLS!”

  I told you I had proof that seagulls can read and obey.

  My last observation and question regarding this summer is the question every one

asks after Labor Day, “Where did the summer go?” What do people want from

 summer? It has the same amount of days as all the other seasons. No more, no less.

But every Labor Day party you hear people moaning, “What happened to my

summer? I hardly got any vacation time. The last thing I remember is Memorial

Day! And then whoosh!”

  Think of the bright side: No more mosquitoes. No more BBQ’s with all those

delicious, but horrible for you hot dogs that you can’t stop eating.  No more beach

traffic that simply doesn’t move.  No more lawn that needs mowing, it seems every

other day.  Even those vacations you didn’t get to take, meant packing and

unpacking. Especially no more worrying what those social-climbing gnats want!

  Next time you ask, Where did summer go?” Just think, thank G-D it’s over!

WHERE HAS ALL THE HUMOR GONE?

“WHERE HAS ALL THE HUMOR GONE?”

ROBERT ISENBERG

There was a time when there was some humor in politics. There was a time when comedians were very funny about politics.

Will Rogers made a handsome living telling political jokes. Some of them even resonate today.  For example, he once stated, “Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing. It was the closest our country ever came to being even.”

 He also noted, “I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!”

And is said to have reported, “I don’t make up jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Stephen Colbert watches President Trump and reports what he says. Is it funny?

Perhaps, I guess if dark humor is funny than perhaps it’s funny. Colbert shows Trump mentioning that there were “fine” people on both sides in Charlottesville. One side boasted Neo Nazis, KKK alumni, and White Supremacists. This group was carrying torches, flags with swastikas and crying out racist remarks.

What’s funny here? Is it funny that our president can actually say that “fine” people are in such a group? Then elaborate by adding, “And you know that too!!”

 I wonder if even Will Rogers could find humor here.

There was a time when politicians dropped lines that some of us thought were funny. For instance, President Johnson complained, “If I walked on water in the morning, in the afternoon the press would comment, ‘it’s because I couldn’t swim.’

President Kennedy was a master at self-effacing humor. His wit sparkled over with such gems as these: “My dad called me and shouted, ‘Don’t buy one more vote than necessary, I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide!’”

 Regarding appointing his brother Robert to be the attorney general of the United

States, President Kennedy quipped, “I don’t see anything wrong with giving Bobby a little legal experience before he goes out on his own to practice law.”

The concept of humor was a huge factor in Kennedy’s quest for the presidency. So much so, that he actually hired Mort Sahl. Sahl was one of the younger comedians of that time. I remember that Sahl was credited with saying that President Eisenhower had kept us out of Mars.

Bob Hope, much like Will Rogers, used political material very successfully. One of my favorite lines of his was, “I didn’t realize how poor our economy was, until I received a Care Package from an Ethiopian.” At the time, and still now, Ethiopia’s economy was in desperate straits.  

In deference to President Trump he did utter one line during the campaign that caused me to smile. He said he didn’t understand why Michelle Obama got so much credit for her speech and that his wife Melania got dissed for the same exact speech.

Trouble is, I’m not sure he was joking.

The entire presidential race was mostly humorless. The theme was insults and barbs. Hillary was for the most part devoid of any humor. Her only attempts were to comment that this was the first time she ran against anybody whose hair was more controversial than hers. She also grieved that Trump would probably rate the Statue of Liberty a three.

 SO I SAY, WHERE HAS ALL THE HUMOR GONE?  LONG TIME PASSING. LONG TIME AGO.

FACE IT! PUBLISHED IN A GROUP OF NEWSPAPERS

FACE IT 7/30/2017 564 words

I’ve lived with my face a lot longer than I ever expected to. In fact, my face and I have been around for quite some time. I’ve learned a few things. Not nearly as much as I would like to have, but then who has? However let’s get back to my face. For better or worse, I have no idea, no idea, whatsoever, what people see in my face. There was a time when people looked at me and simply had to tell me how much money they had. Very often it would come from people, I had never met. Once while I was waiting to board a flight in Japan’s Narita airport, the poorly dressed man standing directly in front of me, suddenly turned around and said, “Don’t let my clothes fool you. A few years ago I received a stock tip. I made a bloody fortune on it!” I replied that I was very happy to hear that. Since we’d be on the same flight, I wished him very safe travel. I was putting my clothes on at the tennis club’s locker room, when the man at the next locker, whose name I still don’t know, was taking his jacket from the locker. He closed the locker door and turned to look at me, “ I was a pharmacist before I retired. I bought a piece of land before I quit working for $35,000. “I sold it last week for eight million.” He put his locker key in his pocket and scurried off without offering a goodbye. Dana and I were leaving a movie I had despised. As we went to leave the theatre, I said to Dana, “God that movie was awful!” Dana retorted, “You probably missed half of it. You were snoring. I loved it,” she said. The very attractive woman in front of us turned and smiled at me, “I agree with your wife.” Her husband gave us a friendly look and said, “Let’s go over to Bertucci’s, across the street and discuss the movie.” We ordered four glasses of red. Before anything was said about the movie, the husband commented, “ We live in Andover and never had children and as a result, we socked away a lot of dough! His wife seemed somewhat embarrassed and wanted to know if we had kids. “Two girls,” I replied. He looked at us sadly, grabbed the bill. Paid it. He then motioned for his wife to get up and leave with him. They did. My face doesn’t just inspire money talk. In fact, it has inspired many other unsolicited comments. I was waiting for my car in a New York City garage alongside an elderly woman. She was staring at me and finally with a heavy accent said, “I saw you on T.V. last night. You were wonderful! Funny! So funny, I couldn’t stop laughing.” “Do you remember my name? “I asked. “ No,” she smiled, “But I can’t wait to see you again.” I was gathering my bags at L.A.X. A man and his son approached me. The father looked at me very seriously, “ I’d like your autograph for my son here.” “What name should I put down?” I murmured. “ I figured you for a wise guy,” he growled. “I saw your last movie and you stunk!!” With that comment and muttering something about my lineage, he stalked away.

FACE IT 7/30/2017 564 words I’ve lived with my face a lot longer than I ever expected to. In fact, my face and I have been around for quite some time. I’ve learned a few things. Not nearly as much as I would like to have, but then who has? However let’s get back to my face. For better or worse, I have no idea, no idea, whatsoever, what people see in my face. There was a time when people looked at me and simply had to tell me how much money they had. Very often it would come from people, I had never met. Once while I was waiting to board a flight in Japan’s Narita airport, the poorly dressed man standing directly in front of me, suddenly turned around and said, “Don’t let my clothes fool you. A few years ago I received a stock tip. I made a bloody fortune on it!” I replied that I was very happy to hear that. Since we’d be on the same flight, I wished him very safe travel. I was putting my clothes on at the tennis club’s locker room, when the man at the next locker, whose name I still don’t know, was taking his jacket from the locker. He closed the locker door and turned to look at me, “ I was a pharmacist before I retired. I bought a piece of land before I quit working for $35,000. “I sold it last week for eight million.” He put his locker key in his pocket and scurried off without offering a goodbye. Dana and I were leaving a movie I had despised. As we went to leave the theatre, I said to Dana, “God that movie was awful!” Dana retorted, “You probably missed half of it. You were snoring. I loved it,” she said. The very attractive woman in front of us turned and smiled at me, “I agree with your wife.” Her husband gave us a friendly look and said, “Let’s go over to Bertucci’s, across the street and discuss the movie.” We ordered four glasses of red. Before anything was said about the movie, the husband commented, “ We live in Andover and never had children and as a result, we socked away a lot of dough! His wife seemed somewhat embarrassed and wanted to know if we had kids. “Two girls,” I replied. He looked at us sadly, grabbed the bill. Paid it. He then motioned for his wife to get up and leave with him. They did. My face doesn’t just inspire money talk. In fact, it has inspired many other unsolicited comments. I was waiting for my car in a New York City garage alongside an elderly woman. She was staring at me and finally with a heavy accent said, “I saw you on T.V. last night. You were wonderful! Funny! So funny, I couldn’t stop laughing.” “Do you remember my name? “I asked. “ No,” she smiled, “But I can’t wait to see you again.” I was gathering my bags at L.A.X. A man and his son approached me. The father looked at me very seriously, “ I’d like your autograph for my son here.” “What name should I put down?” I murmured. “ I figured you for a wise guy,” he growled. “I saw your last movie and you stunk!!” With that comment and muttering something about my lineage, he stalked away.